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1 December 2001
I sometimes think what I would be doing know or
if I would even be around these days if I had come to terms with myself
earlier in life. I stayed in the closet for many years scared and
watching from behind the scenes as the AIDS crisis continued to
escalate. I'm one of the fortunate ones in many ways because not
only am I not HIV+, I've only known, personally, four people who were
HIV+ and only two who have died from it. I think back to when I
was about 20 or 22. The first guy I liked and had a serious opportunity
to have sex with was named John. I had a serious crush on him but
when the opportunity arose, I ran like a little baby. (not
literally) I saw him about a year later and found out he was HIV
and it scared me to death. It pushed me farther into the
closet. Today, never again.
..........
6 December 2001
1965 brought us two things. Me, and A
Charlie Brown Christmas. I love this because it gives a
cynical look at Christmas. People always think that the way we
treat Christmas is a recent thing, but it's not. Even Miracle On 34th
Street from 1934, one of my favorite Christmas movies,
shows how it's so much the mighty dollar influences the way we celebrate
Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I love giving gifts to people I
love and it breaks my heart knowing there are kids who won't get
anything but there seems to be an ever growing tradition that you must
out do last year or your friends or kid's friends' parents, etc.,
etc. Charlie Brown comes across this pitiful tree and from there a
lesson is learned about Christmas. Tonight on ABC.
Pain and pleasure linked, but you knew that didn't you?
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14
December 2001
 
It's December 14th, it's 70 degrees, and there
are Christmas lights on bushes and shrubs which are covered with beautiful flowers. Tomorrow, it'll be
different. I haven't had time lately to do much web stuff because
I've been trying to spend my spare time with my head in the books.
One thing I have been working on is dreamscape.
Logging my dreams when I remember them in the morning or in the middle
of the night when they wake me up, with a notepad I've been keeping by the
bed. Some of them make no sense at all. A couple of them I
don't even remember writing. I'm glad I'm a sound sleeper but it
would be nice to remember more of the details of the dreams.
While talking to a friend today, we were
remembering how good Michael
Jackson was when we were kids. Driving my first car, one of my fondest memories was
blasting Michael Jackson or Prince and seeing how obnoxious I could
be. It's unthinkable how much he sucks now, and not just because
of the accusations made against him several years ago. Who would
have thought Janet Jackson would be the great one? I remember my
first roommate used to listen to Janet Jackson over and over, my God I
thought that sucked. A couple years later, Control was released
and history was made. Did I mention Michael
Jackson sucks. Rock My World? What's that crap?
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15 December 2001
I finally can't stand it anymore. The
radio in the Jeep hasn't worked in a couple of weeks so when I leave in
the morning, there are three songs which enter my mind. I drive in
singing Meatloaf's Paradise By The Dashboard Light, Pink's You
Better Get this Party Started, and my God, The Osmonds, One Bad
Apple. Over and over again. Today the dash is apart and I
will fix this radio or I will have a new radio, with CD
player of course. (Maybe)
In the mean time, Ray & Tommy should arrive
shortly and we shall have an excellent adventure, you saw the movie
didn't you, Ray and Tommy's Excellent Adventure? It's just
like that. Maybe they'll drop me off at Central
for stealing from the Wal-Mart this morning. Accident I swear it
but what will the authorities have to say? When I started loading
bags from the cart into the Jeep, I noticed a mirror ($2.97) had fallen
out of the bag. The more I thought about it, the more I remembered
I hadn't even put it on the belt. Sure enough, not on the
receipt. I'm officially a thief.
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16 December 2001
After spending the morning doing a little
jeepin', and getting a little dirty, still no radio but at least I got
Tina Turner going through my mind and making up songs is not out of
reach for me, I settled down to Little Shop of
Horrors. Kaleb is fully exercised I'm really starting to get
excited about our Christmas
vacation. It's guaranteed not to repeat last year's fiasco. One more week of
school, then we're gone.
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17 December 2001
A conversation the other day, I don't know why,
got us talking about an Australian night time soap opera that I was
seriously addicted to when I was a kid. Prisoner: Cell Block
H was a gritty hardcore show that took place in an Australian
women's prison during the 70's and early 80's. It was an early
version of Oz and
definitely before it's time. The odd thing is that my mom used to
watch it with me. It was very violent, filled with murder, sex,
corruption, and lesbianism. I haven't seen the show since it went
off the air but I remember Bea,
known as Queen Bea who was basically in charge and wouldn't have a
problem taking out anyone on Oz. Her bitch was Doreen and those lousy screws never let them have a
break unless they got something on the side. Lizzie was 200 years
old and was also downright mean. Faking heart attacks and what
ever illness would get her what she wanted. My next step is to
start a petition to see if TV Land would add this to their schedule, if not,
maybe Showtime
could pick it up.
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18 December 2001
Chewy ewy gooey on the inside
Golden flaky tender cakey outside
You wrap the inside in the outside
Is it good? Darn tootin'!
It's the big Fig Newton
Here's the tricky part
The big Fig Newton
One more time
The big Fig Newton!!!!!!
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20 December 2001
You'd think that Winn-Dixie,
the nastiest grocery store chain around who has been struggling with
declining market share and has had to close more than 100 stores, would
have better things to do with their money than to pay lawyers to fight a man
they fired after 21 years on the job because he cross dressed while he
wasn't working. It only goes to show how their top management
thinks. I'm sure with the money they've wasted on lawyers, they
could have remodeled a store. They would not have lost customers,
and they would still have a valuable employee. How many people
have that kind of job loyalty these days?
..........
22 December 2001
Christmas with the EXTENDED
family. Cousins I haven't seen in ten to fifteen years, no
kidding. And I must say I enjoyed every minute of it. It was
sad that I didn't even recognize a couple of them but it was good
catching up. There were fifty-four relatives there and with the
exception of one cousin who has fucked up his brain so bad on coke and
who knows what else that he just sat dazed in the corner, everyone seems
fine and has grown up well. We agreed not to buy presents this
year but my mom bought me this swell Jeep model anyway.
Yesterday evening, we drove around town looking
at Christmas lights. I enjoyed it. Not too many years ago,
you'd have to beat me with a stick to do such a thing. It's now
time for Mr. Hanky's Christmas music special. I must go.
..........
22 December
2001 Later...
Monday will be the first time after Sept. 11
that I've been on a plane. I haven't really worried about it at
all. Hmm...
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23 December 2001
Bags packed and in a few hours we'll be off. I vow
not to touch a computer until I get home, only to have the bestest Christmas
possible. No e-mail, no web page, and definitely no UNIX.
Ah, if only getting up later than 3:30am were a possibility. May
all your holiday wishes come true and may good stuff fill your
life. And most important, may you never have to hear that Macy
Gray Christmas song ever again.
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